I'm tired. Coming straight from the river and crawling into bed for a nap just seemed like the most perfect finish for the day. I have a HUGE smile on my face!
I preface this with my previous experience down Canyon Creek, WA (CCWA) at 2-3 inches off the unit: not spectacular. High anxiety and all the excuses in the world, but really. "I screwed that line up. God I suck!" Lead to swim after swim. Regardless if the swim is warranted, even if the paddler next to me would have swum.. I remember a day I used to be able to brush myself off with a smile and get back in my boat.. But, I was in a funk and I became hyper critical of myself. I struggled to enjoy paddling. My mental reaction was extremely negative. No matter the support from whom I was dating, no matter other's perceptions of my ability. I was no longer feeling capable of running class IV water.
On Canyon Creek, in January, I reverted to an unpleasant run at another time which I started questioning my ability. Something I had been doing since July.. Do I belong on a river like *insert challenging river here*? I knew I had some dumb swims within the last couple of months but I was brushing them off. Then I found out that others, who don't usually paddle with me, started to comment on my experience.. And here, I was thinking we were all supposed to be supportive.. My self criticizing clouded my judgement. Self doubt took hold faster than I could say supercalafragalystic... I spent the next couple of months not really enjoying the runs I was on, over analysing everything. And overall, feeling as though I wasn't capable.
Then one day, I said a magic phrase... I don't care. Followed quickly by a dismissal of my own self deprecation with the word, WHATEVER. Finally, something snapped. I felt as though I was validating myself and giving myself strength just by allowing myself to let go. Everybody swims. I call it a zen spanking. Not just an awakening, self awareness. But a bitch slap.
I stopped caring if others thought I should have been on whatever run. Who were they to judge? I also realized that if that was the only paddling they saw me do, then what other conclusion could the come to? I saw myself from their perspective. They hadn't been on a run with me that I ran like my normal self. I hadn't been normal on a run with myself.. Here's the back hand across the cheek bone: I needed to remember my strengths. I shouldn't let other's opinion sabotage my own. And I just got tired of being so critical of myself. It was all within me..
Here's what I did. 1. I learned how to breathe again. 2. I remembered that I loved to kayak. 3. I took chances and believed in myself. 4. Oh, I went to
New Zealand and took a time out too. Paddled there as well within my skill level.
Upon my return, I outfitted my boat to fit me like a glove with a little help from Kayak Shed and Ej. I called up my friends and went kayaking. And guess what? I HAD FUN AGAIN... I even had a swim, but I really could have cared less... How many of us have been in that position? Working so hard to improve, reaffirm my skills and to prove myself to others as well as myself. I hope you out there can appreciate my desire to have a good time on the river and stop being overly critical.
Back to Canyon Creek... I worked back up to it with a couple of runs down the Upper Wind River and West Fork of Hood River. I had a goal in mind to run CCWA before I couldn't, mentally or for lack of water. This time, warm rain and intermittent sun breaks instead of freezing conditions on a cold January day with a class V- rating. Loooow water, but who's counting? I put on with Tao, Heather, and Nate. Andy L caught up to us. I was a little stiff on the first run with a roll in Swizzle Sticks. I grated up against the right wall. Brutal on my thumb. I rolled in Thrasher. I came up with a -what's that? A smile? Yep.. I felt great!
I then concentrated on the lines I would use for the event from Big Kahuna on down to the finish line. Sidenote: Wow, it's very cool to see how Tao breaks down a run for a competition.. I was Luke Skywalker with Yoda in the swamps learning the ways of the Jedi.. And then on the paddle out, I conserved energy and took my time getting back to the take out. I ran Canyon Creek clean. I was incredibly proud of myself.
On the second lap, I had a great run! We stopped at Big Kahuna, where there were 30 others waiting for the race to begin.. But above that, I worked on the timing of my boof with Tao, and I had relaxed. There was a huge difference in my posture and my boofs were perfection on Prelude and Thrasher. Ahh, confidence.. .
The race: Not bad for being the only unsponsored woman or not in the Word Class Kayaking Academy.. And again, I was smiling. As I came to Champagne, I remembered what Tao, Heather and I looked at from river left, I glanced at the horizon line and paddled aggressively toward the boof and I was airborne. I landed exactly where I needed to line up for Hammering Spot and launched off the drop. I could here cheering from all the supportive racers as I came down to the last rapid, still feeling strong. Crossing the finish line, I looked back on the drops. My lines through Champagne, Hammering Spot and the finish line were exactly what I pictured. The boulder gardens and Big Kahuna burned a little time. But no pins, no rolls. Hell ya! Another clean run down Canyon Creek. :)
A huge thank you to Heather Herbeck for being so supportive via email and any time we talked about our mental game on the river! An enormous hug to all that I talked to as we shared our stories. I genuinely appreciate all the help of you letting me work through my funk.
I love what I do. I do what I love. Thanks for the support! You rock!
Sandra